How I Learned To Let Go Of Controlling Everything In My Life & Found Ease & Surrender

Trying to have control over every aspect of our lives, ‘White Knuckling’ it, or having ‘The Death Grip’, are common mechanisms for many of us. I have tried to control everyone and everything in my life at various points and that control stripped away any of the joy and deep connection that I was ultimately trying to create through these deep rooted control mechanisms. But it never worked.

This is one of the ways I have come to learn what control looks and feels like to me, how I have overcome this habit, and how I have finally found ease in my life and let go of the control that used to rule my life.

THE MAIN CHARACTER

We are all watching our own movies play out in every moment and no one will ever see or feel how life looks like through our lens. We are the main character of our movies and everyone else is simply in a supporting role.

You are the star of your own movie. Why would the main character of their own movie ever want a supporting role to tell them how to star in their own movie? That’s right, they probably wouldn’t. (Keep that thought in mind next time you feel called to tell someone what to do)

DON’T TAKE THINGS PERSONALLY

It’s important to remind ourselves that we are the star of our movie and that others are the star of their own movies. It’s easy to take things personally in this life when we’re so invested in our relationships and in our dreams, but taking things personally really doesn’t serve us and it creates unnecessary suffering.

Although it can feel personal when we are let down by our tribe or our expectations are not met, it never has anything to do with us. They’re just living out their story, they’re busy staring in their own movie. Is it possible to take a step back and see that their actions or lack of support in the way that we expect of them, doesn’t have anything to do with us? That it doesn’t make much sense for us to expect anything from others when they are starring in their own movie?

THE CONTROL MECHANISM

I think we can all agree that we have struggled to release control in various aspects of our lives, I know that I have! From all of life’s unfoldings to the way my family and friends live their lives, I have tried to control many different things based on how I want my own movie to play out and based on how I feel their movie should play out.

I would say, “but it’s all out of love” and “It’s only because I want the best for them”. Sure, to a certain degree that’s true. I tried to control the outcome or choices of the ones I love because I want the best for them. But who am I to say what’s best for someone else’s path? (Aka, their own movie) This caused a whole lot of pain, resistance, and discomfort for not only the ones I love, but for me especially. In the end, we don’t have any control over anything outside of our own selves, so why try to control anyone else?

THE SUPPORTING ROLES

When we can accept that everyone else is the star of their own movie and we are the star of our own movie, we see that anyone outside of the star is a supporting role. These people are here for the star to learn from, not in that they tell us what to do or how to live, but for us to take everything that triggers us or brings us joy as lessons we can learn from.

A triggering experience from a friend, family member, colleague, or even a stranger, is only triggering because it is bringing something up within ourselves to look at. “Why does it make me upset that she doesn’t make an effort to check in with me and see how I’ve been? Why am I triggered by her actions?”- Most likely because I am trying to control an aspect of her life based on what I feel I need or want. It’s all coming from within ME.

A joyful, beautiful, or loving supporting role in our lives is only reflecting back to us that which we already are. When we are in awe of one of our tribe members success, beauty, or courage, it’s because we are of that vibration too. Our awe of them is a reflection of what we already are, it’s just being mirrored back to us now.

EVERYTHING IS SUPPORTING US

We are ALWAYS being supported and until we fully embody that truth, we will never be able to attain the levels of joy and abundance we are meant to experience. Even our darkest and most challenging experiences are serving us in our highest good.

How is this serving me? What can I learn from this? Why does this cycle continue to repeat itself to me? These are the empowering questions to be asking ourselves. Let go of the victim state mentality. Let go of “Why is this happening to me?” It’s not happening to us, it’s always happening FOR us!

The victim state is a very common state that many of us slip into from time to time. It feels like it’s serving us, through the pity and the attention, the ‘poor me’s’ seem to help. But they don’t serve us even the slightest. Ask yourself, how is this challenge helping me? What can I learn from this?

THE WRAP UP

To sum this all up: We only have control over our own experiences, nothing outside of ourselves is in our control. There’s no need or purpose in taking other peoples words or actions to heart. They are living their own experience and it has nothing to do with us.

When we realize that everything is a reflection of our own selves, and that we don’t have control over anyone but ourselves, we see that there is no more room to have ‘The Death Grip’ on each and every aspect of our lives. Love from an unconditional heart. Focus on what you do have control over, YOURSELF.

Don’t take things personally. Others are just moving through their own shit storm and it’ s okay.


Derek is a relationship and abundance coach, working with couples and individuals to attain abundance in all aspects of life. Check out his website here.

Read This If You Find Yourself Questioning Whether or Not You’re In The Right Relationship

Have you ever thought this to yourself? Maybe when times get rough, or you’re not feeling as sexually attracted to your partner? I believe in full transparency and asking ourselves the difficult questions that some like to hide from at all costs. Even if things aren’t on the rocks, what’s the harm in asking yourself an honest and valid question? Is this relationship serving me in my highest good?

Being clear and checking in with yourself is a powerful tool to create a deeper and more sacred connection. Thoughts of doubt can seep into our actions and words which then have an impact on our relationships, so it’s important to be mindful of our thoughts and create the space we need to find clarity for ourselves.

Below are some questions to reflect on if you’ve been wondering if your relationship is the right one or not.

Do You Challenge Each Other? 

A sign of a great partner is that they celebrate your successes and challenge you to be the best version of yourself. Long story short, you mirror one another! Getting along, having a great time and being attracted to each other are all very necessary elements to a thriving relationship but if we’re not showing up for each other, celebrating and challenging each other to be our best selves, are we truly thriving?

Challenging one another doesn’t mean arguing or fighting. It means being transparent, honest and forward. My partner and I constantly check in with each other, our emotions, goals, the relationship and our personal lives outside of our relationship.

Are You Attracted To Each Other? 

It’s important to keep physical intimacy alive, although a relationship should not be built around it, it’s a strong energetic exchange that keeps you feeling connected on another level. Sometimes this might be the string that holds you two together through a difficult time.

Do You Respect Your Partner?

You respect and admire your partner for who they truly are; mind, body and soul. There is no judgement or no secrecy, but transparency and love.

Is There Trust?

You have trust in your partner and don’t project your insecurities onto them. You allow your partner the space to explore other friendships and celebrate them creating experiences outside of your relationship. When you’re in love, you don’t fear unfavourable outcomes. You are not consumed with feelings of doubt and you want to see your partner thrive.

Do You Feel Free Within The Relationship?

We often forget that we are two separate beings living two separate experiences. We have agreed to be together but we don’t have ownership over the other and we don’t have expectations of our partners. You allow your partner to just be, you receive anything your partner has to offer as a gift rather than expecting it of them.

What If You Are Unsure?

If you read through this article and felt that your relationship could improve, that some aspect of you is feeling out of alignment, then maybe it’s time to make some new agreements together. Most of the time our partners are unaware of what it is that we need. Sometimes a simple conversation can spark a new and exciting time in the relationship.

I coach relationships to build new agreements, stop projecting their shit at each other and choose a life of joy and abundance together. Contact me at dereklovellcoaching.com if you want to work together 1-on-1 or 2-on-1.

With Love,

Derek

How To Navigate Changes In Friendships

Navigating shifts in a friendship can be a confusing and uncomfortable experience. We share stories and experiences and there are many attachments that link the two of us together. We don’t want to hurt anyone but we feel that something has shifted in the relationship.

What Is Your Heart Telling You?

Our heart always knows the way to our highest good. When we lead from our heart we will never create chaos, but rather vulnerability, truth, and progression.

Our body is impeccably aligned with our highest good. It will always guide us to where we are meant to be, so long as we slow down and trust in what our body is telling us. Who are you excited to spend more time with and who brings on an anxious feeling before, during, or after spending time together?

This Doesn’t Mean You Don’t Love Them

Letting someone go or choosing to spend less time together doesn’t mean that you don’t love them. I’ve had to let go of many amazing people in my life and it was never because I didn’t love them. I still think about the friends I have chosen to take space from, and I actively send them love and wish the best for them.

When we avoid difficult situations to protect ourselves or the feelings of others, we are doing a disservice to everyone involved, especially ourselves. We are not serving anyone by staying in a relationship in which we don’t feel understood, celebrated, loved or met.

When we stand in our truth regardless of the discomfort that may come along with that, not only do we grow but we bring upon growth and transformation for the others involved as well. Chances are, if you’re feeling this way, they are too!

Are Your Friends Celebrating Your Success?

Are your friends there to celebrate your successes or does their own self judgement and lack of self-love get in the way of celebrating you? Our highest desire is to be loved and being celebrated is a form of love.

Rather than feeling frustrated or hurt by your friends not celebrating you, can you have compassion for them in that they aren’t able to celebrate themselves and therefore are not able to celebrate you? Can you choose compassion, but honor what you need and how you desire to be met in relationship?

It Doesn’t Need To Be Difficult 

Some friendships naturally phase away and there isn’t a need to label or judge that experience. Typically, this happens when both people are consciously aware that shifts have taken place and both trust in where their hearts are guiding them.

Other times it can be more difficult if we have a long history together, share mutual friends, and are attached to stories and agreements from the past. When it feels difficult, most often this is a sign that one person has made big shifts internally or externally and that has created a space that no longer feels in alignment for the friendship.

Come from love. Love always wins. Telling someone you don’t want to be friends sounds scary and painful, but it doesn’t need to be this difficult. How can you explain how you are feeling in a way that comes from a space of love?

Can You Make New Agreements?

If letting someone go completely doesn’t resonate for you in this moment, trust in that. There may be more to learn from the relationship.

For me, relationships without any attachment are what feel most alive. Some friends have understood the shift in how I show up as a friend now, and we connect when the time feels right. Other friends have had a difficult time adjusting from being ‘best friends’ to a relationship of no attachment and less time spent together.

What would it look like for you to tell youR friend how you’ve been feeling? Would they listen and reflect on what you’ve said or would they get defensive? What kind of friendships are you truly desiring in your life? How important is this relationship to you?

When We Follow Our Hearts… 

When we are living from our hearts, the universe will always support us. Whenever I’ve had shifts in friendships, either with creating new agreements or choosing to take space, I have always been gifted with someone more in alignment with who I am in this moment.

I’ve attracted new friends that magically enter my life in the most unexpected ways and it’s always a very clear sign that this is a gift for following my heart and taking action from that inspired place. But it takes time.

If you want deeper connection, a stronger, more authentic and supportive tribe, it requires us to be bold. It could mean a state of discomfort as we navigate these shifts and have real, honest conversations.

Will you choose to stay in the discomfort of knowing something is out of alignment, or will you choose to move through the discomfort into a space of ease, deeper connection, expansion and love?

Will you ignore what your heart wants, or will you honour the gift your body is leading you towards?

With love,

Derek

Check out more from Derek on his personal life coaching website.