Five Things I Learned By Going Celibate For A While

Have you ever considered taking a time of celibacy?

It’s a fascinating question because it seems counter to everything that we desire when we start studying tantra. Many of us start studying tantra because we hear about the incredible sex and hour-long orgasms. Why would we ever want to be celibate?

Because the magic of tantra is about breaking free of limitations and old patterns.

It’s about personally challenging our beliefs, fears, and desires.

It’s about changing, expanding, and truly taking ourselves to a new level.

And celibacy is a fascinating “wormhole” that can get us there.

Many Great Tantric Masters Had Times of Celibacy. Why?

Sex is a wonderful experience, a wonderful way of sharing love. In fact, part of becoming tantric sexually involves getting rid of all the shame, guilt, and taboos connected with sex. So, isn’t taking a time of celibacy going in the wrong direction?  No.

The ancient tantriks were about changing things up and challenging the status quo so that people would wake up and start truly living.

And so, if they came into a town where everyone was sexually repressed through religion or societal rules, sex would be the thing to shock them into awakening.

But if they came into our sex-saturated society, what would they recommend? A break, perhaps, since  even though we have issues with shame, guilt, religion, and taboos around sexuality, sex is everywhere. We believe that it defines our self-worth. The media tells us subliminally each day how important it is to be attractive sexually. It is so deep in our subconscious now that the idea of chosen celibacy is shocking.

And in some tantra circles it is even worse. In many “red-tantra” workshops and courses, the focus is on healing and releasing the shame and guilt around sex — very valuable work. Accordingly, they include many sexual exercises and physical interactions that are very pleasurable and freeing. But often, there is also an undercurrent of sexual addiction. Having these pleasurable sexual experiences becomes the goal of every workshop and life experience. As you walk in, you can literally feel the sexual desire and needs coming off of people. Energetically, their “second chakra” is screaming for union.

Once we are freed of our shame, guilt, and taboos, the next step is to become whole. Tantra brings us to complete wholeness. There is actually no need for another. There is no need for sex. We have both masculine and feminine energies within us. Combining these polarities with spirit, we are fully satisfied within us. This is true tantra. Sexuality and union with another simply becomes one way of expressing this ecstasy.

What I Discovered Being Celibate:

I recently took a time of celibacy.

This was a huge deal because I LOVE sex. The choice of celibacy came as an intuitive knowing. A healer had told my friend that she had to take some time off from men for a while. As my friend told me this, it was like the healer had spoken directly to my heart. I instantly knew that this is what I needed to do.

And it horrified me! I had had a partner and been sexually active for over 25 years. I teach tantra. I have euphoric sexual experiences that I can’t even describe. Why in the world would I want to give this up?

My first clue was the incredible reaction my ego was having to the thought. I felt like that person who says that they could give cigarettes or booze up any time — they “just don’t want to right now,” but they could do it.

Sigh. And so it was.

And it changed my life.

1. I Realized That I Was Addicted to Sex and Relationships

I couldn’t believe how hard it was to give up having a man in my life. I had been married for over 20 years. Before and since then, I’d had other partners and lovers. I didn’t realize how much my heart depended on always having that other person to say “good morning” to or to crawl into bed with at night.

I never thought that I NEEDED the masculine energy of a man. I was convinced that I was an independent, intelligent, whole woman. You couldn’t have convinced me otherwise. And yet, the dark nights of the soul that I went through definitely showed me something else.

I found out that part of my self-worth was intimately tied to having a sexual partner. It meant that I was desirable and loveable. Without that person as a mirror for me, did I exist at all? I went through quite a few existential crises.

2. I Healed My Energy Leaks

I had a vision early in my celibacy of my pelvis as a bowl. And that ever since I started being interested in boys, this bowl had tipped downward in the front. And so energy would come into my body and then pour out the bowl into the other person. And when I was in a serious relationship, it was like every bit of energy I had simply went to nourish the other. Hmmm… No wonder I was so tired.

But after about 3 weeks, this bowl seemed to tip up and become level. It felt like energy would come into me and then it would circulate within me instead of pouring outward. This energy nourished ME for perhaps the first time in decades. It was absolutely incredible.

Even doing simple tantric breathing exercises like micro-cosmic orbit was different. This breath pattern asks us to breath energy up the back of our spine and then down the front of our bodies (this is a simplified explanation). Now, there was so much more energy circulating within me. And it was so easily orgasmic. I wondered whether this is why many people struggle with feeling anything during this breath. Do they have leaks?

3. The Masculine and Feminine Balanced Within Me

I soon realized that I had to become my own best boyfriend. What was this masculine energy that I was seeking in another? Structure, Logic, Protection, Energy… Hmmm.

In the rest of the world, my masculine energy was strong. I have a degree in mathematics (I’m logical). I’ve written books and courses and taught classes (manifested). I’ve owned my own businesses for 20 years (structure). I figured that I had this one covered.

But the masculine within myself needed work. To make a plan personally and honour it (structure). To turn my cellphone off and take a bath and not let anyone interrupt me (protection). To defend myself from others (protection).

I also asked myself what was it that I wanted a partner to do for me. Truthfully, I wanted him to look at me and tell me I was the most beautiful, incredible person he’d ever met. I wanted him to touch me gently and lovingly and not expect anything from me. I wanted him to plan fun outings and buy me flowers and chocolate.

So I did this for myself.

I planned fun things for “us” to do “together.” I looked in the mirror and observed the beauty before me and told my feminine side wonderful things about her. She cried a lot. I held myself in bed and loved myself completely. I am a tantrika. I have magic touch (we all do). I could actually use it on myself and drive myself crazy. Apparently, I am a great boyfriend!

After a few months, I can’t tell you the feeling of wholeness and complete contentment.

4. I Had More “Spontaneous Orgasms”

There’s a joke out there about people who study tantric sex becoming unable to finish a sentence without their whole body shaking in orgasm. It’s just a joke… kind of.

In my past, once in a while, I would have the experience of just sitting somewhere and suddenly feeling incredible orgasms in my whole body. No touching. Nothing in particular happening. They would just happen.

Well, as the months of my celibacy went on, this started happening more and more. I would be sitting in the library and I would read a beautiful passage and I would close my eyes to ponder it. And as I would breathe deeply, my whole body would start to shudder in pleasure. (Honestly, I was torn between the part of me having this incredible, unanticipated experience and the other part of me watching me sitting in the middle of the Toronto Public Library barely able to contain my full-body orgasm and thinking about how incredibly ironic and funny the scene was!)

But it started happening as I walked down the street, as I talked about tantra, as I watched the sunset.

Then, I found out that this was normal with people who choose tantric celibacy. If we choose celibacy because sex is “bad” or “dirty” or “low-energy,” then we are repressing our life-force and so instead, this energy just gets twisted into something else. But within a tantric path, we choose it with the desire of exploration. It is about “changing the variables” to further explore our own consciousness and experience. So, growth and new experiences (like spontaneous orgasms) happen.

And of course, this experience deepened my experience of being whole without the NEED of another to fill my needs. I was having orgasms just sitting in the library! Choosing a partner would truly be a CHOICE, not a need.

What a wonderful surprise!

5. I Integrated With My Spirit Even More

I’ve always been intensely spiritual. I’ve always been a mystic. But I had also always been a partner and a mom. As much as I connected “vertically” with God/Spirit, my first focus has always tended toward “horizontal” — partners, children, and family. No matter how spiritual I was, my default has always my interactions and love with others.

But during my time of celibacy, I was living alone. My children had grown and were thousands of miles away. I had lots of friends. But they aren’t the same level of intimacy.

So, I read a lot of Rumi. I read a lot of mystic poetry about the wonder and connection with God.

I was able to immerse myself in this experience in ways that I hadn’t before. I had cleared the decks in a way. It was so beautiful.

Being Celibate on Your Own

Would you like to try this? Does it feel like it’s on your path? Do you feel like you are always searching for a partner? Does it feel like more of a need than a choice?

Are you studying tantra but maybe missing the magic that everyone talks about?

Even without a partner, if you choose this, it is good to have at least one person that you can talk to that understands your process. I found it to be a very dark time, since I was looking at very vulnerable aspects of my need to belong and to be loved, as well as my self-worth. So it is good to have a teacher or wise confidante to share your journey with.

It’s often good to give yourself a timeframe. It’s only in the low times that we want to break our vow, and we don’t tend to have the best discernment then. So a hard “masculine” rule can be helpful here.

Being Celibate Within a Relationship

You can still practice celibacy within a loving partnership as well; you just release the sex part. You can be intimate in loving ways — embracing, kissing, touching. But we all know the difference between a loving touch and a sexual touch. Just let the sexual touch go.

And it’s even an interesting discussion to have within a relationship if it would be an issue. Sometimes, we rely on sex as our connector and if this is true, you’ll find out right away. The wonderful gift is that you will find other ways to connect intimately. You will find out what you both love to do together. You will have conversations like, “Sooooo, if we aren’t going to have sex, how else do you like to connect?” Just imagine the wonderful ripple effects of bringing in other loving connections into a relationship besides sex.

And then, after a couple months of connecting in a hundred other loving ways, your sex life would truly be the sacred worship that it is meant to be.

Being Celibate Was Fascinating

The most beautiful end result was that I truly felt like me again. I didn’t realize how I had subtly shifted with each person in my life — including family, children, and partners. It was like I had been a shapeshifting chameleon in some ways, and now I wasn’t. I got to see the real me: whole, perfect, and wonderful. Such an incredible gift!

Love May Be Hiding In Plain Sight

People are falling in love all around me.

Yesterday, I met a new friend who said that she had fallen in love. Two days before that, a good friend came for lunch and said the same thing. “You wouldn’t believe it. She lived right down the street from me.”

A week before that, another friend fell in love with a man she met on Tinder. Today, I found out that another friend is dating a man who she finds incredible and she did not expect it!

But what’s really amazing about these stories?  THEY WOULD NEVER HAVE RECOGNIZED THIS PERSON.

In every story, their new love doesn’t fit what they thought they were looking for. For some, the person wasn’t physically, or intellectually what they thought they were attracted to. For others, they lived too far away, had animals, children, the “wrong” job, or just a totally different outlook on life.

It’s the bodybuilder falling for a super curvy woman, the dark, goth friend falling for a wedding planner, or the vegetarian who can’t get enough of a hunter.

Every day, I hear:

  • “I don’t get it. He/she is nothing like I thought I was looking for.”
  • “You probably won’t understand it when you meet them… but I’m head over heels for them.”
  • “There is such a crazy connection between us.”
  • “They kiss me and I totally melt.”
  • “They could have walked right by me on the street and I wouldn’t have given them a second glance.”
  • “They are nothing like I was looking for. Yet, they are perfect for me!”
  • “And the lovemaking… We make love for hours… Effortlessly… OMG!!”

What’s going on? Why are we falling in love with people whom we couldn’t have imagined before?

It’s a great question. As a tantra teacher listening to students and participants in my workshops, I have some ideas.

1) We are now looking for True Connection

Historically, we were looking for someone to marry, have children with and to fulfill a certain societal status. It’s like a picture was placed in our minds of what we are looking for. That picture could include a white picket fence, perfect family portraits, and Sunday dinners or it might be finding your ultimate rebellious partner with tattoos, a motorbike and concerts every weekend.

Regardless, we had a picture of what this canned life was going to look like. But of course, the picture in our mind didn’t include the feelings between you and your partner. Sure, we assumed that we would be happy and fulfilled. But what about the actual connection between you? This wasn’t necessarily part of the picture.

But today, it’s the passionate connection we seek. We want to feel alive when we are with this person. We want to want to be able to love them completely and we want to feel that love for us as well.

The old days of “looking good for the neighbours and family” (or looking “bad”) are gone. We care more about what is going on behind closed doors, than what it looks like from the outside.

2) The brainwashing about what is “attractive” is losing its power over us

We are becoming aware that we have been fed ideas about what is good-looking and that this is getting in the way of finding true love.

I used to be a belly-dancer. Historically, belly dancers were voluptuous women of at least middle age. Their bodies carried the stories of their lives and these stories were shared in the form of sensual dance. But over time, belly dance has become more mainstream. The dancers began having a Hollywood-like look to them – all thin, young with long dark hair. Soon, the middle-aged women with full bodies didn’t look attractive any longer. The audience’s eyes had changed (not everyone.. but enough).

Our eyes have been changed too. We watch movies where the leading men look like Brad Pitt or Denzel Washington and the women look like Angelina Jolie or Scarlett Johansson. The men are tall and muscular and the women are pencil thin with firm breasts. And everyone looks approximately 25 years old.

Then magazines and advertisers continue this conditioning in order to sell us gym memberships, face creams, protein drinks, and plastic surgery. Our brains have been gradually brainwashed so that we believe exactly what “they” want us to believe is beautiful.

And so, when it comes to finding love, this basically leaves the vast majority of the population out in the cold because we simply don’t look like these images.

But as more and more people strive to look like these photoshopped images, being falsely beautiful, fit or youthful starts to lose its appeal. You don’t have to go on too many dates from online apps with “beautiful, fit” people to find out that what they look like has absolutely nothing to do with connection, depth of the person, or what kind of lover they are.

In fact, many of the greatest tantric lovers I’ve known did not fit our stereotyped image. They would have been considered too fat, too thin, small penis, quirky, too short, too old, etc. Yet they had such an amazing focus on the connection, they were naturally tantric, and all the magic that we seek in lovemaking was effortlessly there.

3) We are truly awakening

The world has changed. Maybe it was the 2013 shift from the Age of Pisces to the Age of Aquarius. Maybe it’s just that we are evolving. But we can see more in each other than we could a decade ago.

We are more intuitive. We read people faster. We can feel their kindness or their indifference. We can feel their ability to connect or how shut down they are. We can feel their joy or their sadness almost immediately.

We aren’t as attached to being attached. We are more content to be alone – so we are more discerning in whom we choose to connect with. We are in full choice all of the time. We are seeking someone who truly adds to our lives, not just someone to fill in a strange picture in our minds.

We naturally see more than just someone’s physical appearance. Other aspects are shining through brighter than their physicality. They could be tall, short, fat, fit, old, young, disabled, or whatever, yet we see their spirit. We see their happiness. We see their soul. They may even shape-shift before our eyes – shifting from what society sees to the titan that appears to us in intimacy.

So what does this mean going forward?

“If only our eyes saw souls instead of bodies, how different our ideals of beauty would be.”

If you are seeking love and true connection, here are some questions to ask yourself:

  • Do you have an idea in your head that is blinding you to who is right in front of you?
  • Who put the ideas in your head of what your love must look, sound, or act like?
  • Is there a need for a partner to look, act or sound a certain way for your self-worth? Is pride holding you back?
  • Are you open to exploring relationships with people who don’t fit the image that you are holding in your mind?
  • Who is right in front of you but you can’t see them?

The times are changing. We are evolving. We want more than what a relationship that looks good on the surface can bring us. We are seeking a deeper experience. We want to go to the next level.

So, if you are seeking love, have hope. None of these friends of mine had any idea that this was going to happen. Many were well on their way of giving up hope that there was anyone out there for them.

When suddenly “he/she” appeared.

And they appeared in the most unlikely places.

How You Can Find Love & Peace In The Process of Divorce

Whenever I’ve told friends that my partner and I were separating, the overwhelming response was, “Oh my god! What happened? You guys were such a great couple!”

There’s an assumption that there had to be “something” that “broke us up”, but the truth was, after over 20 years, whether we wanted it or not, our paths had diverged.

It was the clearest moment when I knew that it was over. I wanted something. He didn’t want it. There was a passive power struggle (we were both peace-keepers). And the realization hit me that we now wanted different things in life. Twenty-two years ago, we wanted the same things in life and perhaps our paths had started separating years before. But we weren’t willing to look at the divergence because we both believe strongly in the institution of marriage.

It’s normal to have ups and downs, right? We were taught to take the good times with the bad, right? These sayings had kept these thoughts of separation at bay for a long time… But they just weren’t making sense anymore.

Note: Although I am now talking about this easily and objectively, I don’t want to pretend that it felt easy at the time. There was still sadness, anger, emotional pain, and real grief after we were actually living separately. We aren’t robots. We had been in love, emotionally connected, and pretty dependent on each other for a long time. This is no small thing to separate from.

The End of “Till Death Do You Part”

I realized that, besides not wanting to hurt my husband, it was actually my pride that was my greatest obstacle to leaving.

I was known as a spiritual teacher, I did marriage counselling, and I taught tantra. What would it look like to others if I ended my marriage? Would I be considered a failure? Would everything I taught suddenly not have merit? This was a massive hurdle for me to overcome.

As I wrestled with this, I picked the brains of people I respected. I researched writings on marriage. And I prayed a lot.

The ultimate answer that came was that separating was not a failure. It was simply the natural response to what the truth was between a couple. That’s all. The idea of “till death do you part” had nothing to do with what was real between the couple. Historically, it actually began as a financial agreement between two men for the caring of a daughter.

There was a time, in some cultures, when a young man would ask a father for his daughter’s hand in marriage. If the answer was yes, the father would give land, money or some kind of dowry to the young man (because women couldn’t own anything) with the promise that the young man would take care of his daughter until his very last breath… makes sense. And then, at the wedding, it was (and still is) customary for the father to “give” his daughter away… Hmmm.

Many cultures have some version of this where a promise had to be made so that the legal and financial union must stay intact for life. On the positive side, this could have been since women were not able to work and therefore couldn’t be financially independent. Or, on a darker note, maybe it was due to a sense of ownership of each other or imposed for the need to control by the church and state.

The quality of the relationship was often not important at all. Difficulties, violence, control, cruelty, manipulation, sadness, depression, and extra-marital affairs were all normal – which makes sense – because although there might have been love in the beginning, it certainly wasn’t the quality of the love that was going to keep them together. We were legally bound for life. It wasn’t until the early twentieth century that divorce even became legal in North America. And in many cultures and religions today it still isn’t allowed.

So I soon began to realize that separating wasn’t actually a failure. The idea that the end of a marriage is a failure came from a previous time and an old system where you weren’t allowed out of the agreement. Leaving could have meant being destitute, disowned and the end of any kind of “decent” life. Being able to survive, even in an abusive relationship, definitely became a sign of strength and a real test of personal endurance.

But times are different now.

Staying Together While Separated

We chose to stay living together for a year even though we had agreed that we were separating. We had two of our own children plus four more teenagers living with us. The other teens were our kids’ friends who couldn’t live at home for many reasons and had chosen to move in with us. So, if we actually physically separated at that time, we had 6 teenagers to split between us or find homes for. Since they were all at the end of high-school and ready to leave the nest in a year, we chose to stay and enjoy our family of eight and see how it went.

During this time, I had two main goals with our separation. One, I wanted to really honour the 20 years we had together. And two, I wanted to be able to share my struggles that I hadn’t been able to share before, partially to have healing between us and because who are we kidding, I just really wanted him to know.

Honouring The Marriage

If you have ever been married or been in any kind of serious relationship, you know how easy it is to count the “bad” days. And unfortunately, in the process of deciding to end a marriage, it is adding up the “bad” days that give us the momentum to actually leave (and unfortunately, this is also what others want to hear about so that they know “what happened”.)

But the truth was, our marriage was really wonderful. We had been through so much together. We had milked cows and farmed together for 16 years. He was an incredible support for me when so many people including my mom and all my grandparents had died. We had wonderful children together. We shared the same favourite TV shows, we laughed and had more inside jokes together than we will ever remember.

Were there also things that weren’t so hot? Sure.

We all come into relationships with our “stuff”. We have patterns that we learned from our parents, past-lives, karma, “sins of the forefathers”, etc. Sometimes I think that it is such a blessing to have so much love (and passionate sex) in the beginning because it helps smooth out the difficulties of bringing so many challenges into such an intimate relationship.

Plus, we were in our early 20s when we got married. We’d never done it before and so, we truly did the best we could.

In the end, I really wanted us to remember all of the good times. I didn’t want us to forget how wonderful all those years had been too. Because if you’re going to remember anything, those are the memories worth bringing forward.

Being Honest About My Struggles

In no way do I blame my ex-husband (A term I really dislike, I wish there was a nicer word for this) because I too, came into our marriage with “stuff”.

One of my greatest issues was being an eternal peace-keeper. Of course, that is the nice way to put it. The other way to say it is that I avoided conflict at all cost. If I was angry about something and nothing got resolved, well, I just let it go. I didn’t want to stay angry. I understood where he was coming from. So, I swept it under the rug. I kind of let it go.

But after 20 years, I had swept a lot under the rug. (Or maybe I’d swept a couple of things under the rug a thousand times.) Was he a part of it? Sure. Was I a part of it? Yes. But now, since I had no reason to “keep the peace”, I was able to stand stronger about the things that had been bothering me. We had to have difficult conversations because there was no longer a rug to sweep anything under. That time had passed.

But we were as kind as possible. And truthfully, we resolved a lot. We were very lucky for the healing and closure that we got.

But You Teach Tantra. Couldn’t Tantra Heal your Relationship?

This is the million-dollar question. The answer is yes, and no.

We had explored a lot of tantra together. We had had incredible tantric intimacy and amazing healing times (lots of detail about this in my book: Tantric Intimacy). Tantra had deepened the loving connection between us. But that doesn’t mean that we were meant to still live together.

The foundation of tantra is about being fully spiritual in a very physical world. In a relationship, this directly affects the quality of the love connection between you. Both of these aspects of tantra were in full expression throughout our separation (and continues today).

During our separation, there were many days that were really hard. I didn’t want to talk about splitting the money. I didn’t want to talk about the kids. Each one of these conversations felt so painful. I would have preferred avoiding them altogether, which of course is impossible.

And so I would pray. I would meditate. I would ask inside for the kind words to broach these really hard topics. I would ask for the right timing, “would we talk about the money today? Or tomorrow? Or next week? How should we split the finances?” Etc. I sat in silence a lot, waiting for the answers to find the most loving, peaceful way through.

And the answers always came. Perhaps today was the day. And so I would ask him if we could talk about it, and the answer was yes. And the discussion would go flawlessly, not without tears, but it was smooth. And this is how all the issues were resolved.

In terms of a “tantric connection”, we simply had it. We maintained a loving connection throughout the process. Choosing to live together has nothing to do with whether we had a loving connection. We can have loving connections with thousands of people that we don’t live with. And we can always choose kindness.

Once, we had worked out how to split the finances and what it would look like with the kids, we walked over to the courthouse and asked if we could fill out the paperwork so that we could get a divorce. We were smiling and giggling and joking with each other. The woman behind the desk just stared at us.

Eventually she said that were weren’t allowed to get a divorce without lawyers because we owned properties and had children. Oh.

So, I asked around and found a lawyer who was well-known for taking care of amicable divorces. I showed her our agreement, she wrote it up, assigned a lawyer to look at it on my husband’s behalf, and very soon, the paperwork was complete. The separation and divorce was final. And we were still hanging out with our six kids at home.

It was quite a surreal time.

Today, we are still great friends. His girlfriend is a woman whom I’ve been friends with for a long time. There’s no fighting about the kids because we all just stay together for Christmas and holidays. They come to my family functions, we hang out and it’s actually really, really wonderful.

Is This Possible For Everyone?

Unfortunately, no. For the two of us, our deepest desire was to still be loving towards each other. So, that is exactly what happened.

But for many people, being loving isn’t their deepest desire. They want to hurt the other. There are power struggles. There is history to “make the other pay for”. There is no desire to be kind. The divorce is as messy as the marriage was as well– at least under the surface.

I only tell this story as a possibility. To share my struggle with feeling like I had failed – when in fact, I hadn’t.

To share a possibility of a graceful way to lovingly separate.

Of course, there are always a few couples out there who have been happily married for 65 years and their beaming faces show us just how in love they are after all these years.

This too, is a possibility. And it is certainly a success in some ways.

But it’s just one possibility. There are many kinds of success.

To be loving in all circumstances.

To be honest in each moment.

And to always choose kindness.

These are the greatest successes.

Katrina Bos

Why Many Women Don’t Have Orgasms

Did you know that only 25% of women are consistently orgasmic during sexual intercourse?

According to an analysis of 33 studies over the past 80 years by Elisabeth Lloyd in her book The Case of the Female Orgasm, 50% of women have orgasms sometimes, 20% seldom do, and 5% never have orgasms.

Can you imagine?

As I travel around the world attending workshops in tantra and conscious sexuality, there are always a number of women who can’t feel pleasure because their clitoris and vagina are completely numb and there is at least one woman at every retreat who has NEVER experienced an orgasm – even after decades of having sex.

Many of the women that I work with have lost their desire for sex, have been abused and are fearful, or think that there is something wrong with them because they don’t feel the pleasure that they hear other women talk about.

Let’s look at some reasons why.

1) Vaginas are not Cylinders for Penises

In procreative sex, the penis pumps the vagina, gaining excitement in order to focus all the orgasmic energy to shoot sperm through a tunnel to hopefully impregnate an egg. This is similar to winding up a toy car and then letting it go. It’s great fun. And in this case, the vagina is truly the vessel for the penis to become excited within and to help direct the sperm where it needs to go.

But beyond this procreative sex model, the vagina (also called yoni) has much greater capacity. She is an organ with luscious folds and muscles and, quite honestly, a mind of her own when she is happy and excited.

In the procreative model, she must be tight. But this lessens her sensitivity for pleasure in the same way that a fighter tightens his abdominal muscles in order to take a punch. The tighter the yoni is (and the harder the penis is), the less sensitivity there is. As the years go on, and she has more and more procreative-style sex, her yoni naturally becomes de-sensitized – like armour – since she is always having to be tight for the penis to be ramming in and out. She is literally protecting herself with every thrust. There are times when this is enjoyable. But an armour is created nonetheless.

But when she is allowed to be relaxed and have connected intercourse, her walls are allowed to come alive. When the penis enters and “plugs in” without continually “unplugging,” she is able to relax completely and truly feel what is going on. Depending on the pleasure she is feeling, her walls might start to oscillate – literally rolling in waves of pleasure along the shaft of the penis. This is often described as the yoni “milking” the penis… which is incredibly pleasurable for both partners.

With every wave of pleasure that her yoni experiences, the delicate nerve-endings in her vaginal walls send waves of pleasure throughout her whole body. She will feel this orgasmic flow all the way to her fingertips and the top of her head. Her partner simply needs to stay connected to her and they can ride this incredible orgasmic wave together.

2) Her Heart Must be Open

We are magnetic creatures. In many tantra schools, we learn that a woman’s positive pole is her heart and her yoni is negative. The positive pole “gives” and the negative pole “receives.” (It is the opposite in men – hence the circular energy flow that is possible in intercourse.)

If you want the negative pole to be activated, you must stimulate the positive pole. (If we stimulate a woman’s negative pole through aggressive clitoral stimulation, as pleasurable as this is, it causes the yoni to tighten and become positive. The pressure will build in her similar to a penis and she will want release. This can feel very good. But it leads to “friction sex” and doesn’t allow for full-body orgasmic flow.)

Stimulating the positive pole can be done through caressing the breasts in a way that is enjoyable to her. This can be challenging since many women’s breasts and nipples have become de-sensitized through breast-feeding and rough handling. Many women say that they feel nothing in their breasts. But with gentle, conscious touch and healing, this wonderful sensitivity can be brought back.

But the greater way to stimulate her positive pole is through LOVE.

It is through true connection and open-hearted love that her positive pole is the most stimulated. It is through showing your love by doing kind things for her, connecting intimately with her and simply loving her completely that will fill her heart the most. When a woman feels loved, her yoni will naturally open and she will long to merge with you. But if the love comes with strings attached, she will stay protected and closed.

3) Healing the Feeling of Being Used

The tantra teacher Barry Long used to say that “Women are tired of being used as men’s sexual spittoons.”

This might seem harsh. But historically, it is very accurate. Women had roles in the home and in the marital relationship. They weren’t supposed to say no to sex. They were married. It was their obligation.

It was only the sexual revolution of the 60s that truly made it widespread that women could enjoy sex and have orgasms. For centuries before that, it wasn’t even believed that it was possible (let alone important). So, it certainly wasn’t focused on.

Just imagine how much painful and unwanted sex women felt (or were) forced to have.

This is the historical foundation for our heterosexual relationships today. Phantoms of this history still live within us as fears, trauma and the ideas that we still hold about sex and committed relationships.

But now we are learning what it means to truly make love.

In tantric intimacy, we often teach non-ejaculatory sex. Not that there is anything particularly wrong with ejaculating – it is an important part of procreative sex. But in order to go beyond the procreative model, we must imagine being intimate for the intention of connection and simply making love. The intention and goal of ejaculation keeps us locked in the small box of procreation when our goal is to experience what is beyond it.

In many of the couples that I work with, the women would love to try making love with their partner without the need to ejaculate. They don’t enjoy sex any more. They have had too much unwanted sex already. Their bodies have shut down.

But the idea of just being loving – of gentle touch for simple pleasure – of being close – of feeling loved… Yes, they want this very much.

But Things are Changing

We are now seeking something more. We know that there is so much more to sexuality and intimacy than the generations before us. We have rights and freedom and choice that our grandparents couldn’t have imagined.

We are learning what our bodies are about – far beyond our animal instincts and abilities to procreate.

We are learning how to play with the divine and infinite parts of ourselves.

We are understanding what miracles our bodies truly are – inside and out.

We once chased orgasm because we thought that that was the ultimate (which is true in procreative sex). But now the true goal is to be totally orgasmic. This is our true nature.

And as women learn how to be this way, we will no longer be chasing the orgasm. We will not worry about having an orgasm this time or the next time.

We will simply be orgasmic – all day long – and definitely in the bedroom.

Related CE Article:  Why Some People Orgasm More Than Others & Why Orgasms Are So Misunderstood

Neuroscientist Explains How Orgasms Can Be Used To Reach an Altered State of Consciousness

 

 

Finding Inner Strength to be Vulnerable in Relationships

Tantric Intimacy holds the potential to connect us completely. We drop our guards and allow our whole self to flow into another person as we totally receive them as well. This creates a seemingly magical circuit of loving energy that can take us to infinite, wondrous places.

This is very simple to say and completely natural for us to do.

Yet, we struggle. How can we be safe to do this? How can I be open when I don’t know if I can trust this other person completely? What if I get hurt? What if I give myself completely, and my heart gets broken?

These fears keep our walls up, and so the magic of this kind of open, free-flowing connection eludes us, no matter how much tantra we study.

Your Inner Connection Makes You Whole

“Be humble for you are made of earth. Be noble for you are made of the stars.”

– Serbian proverb

The foundation of tantra is always our personal spiritual connection. However you define God/Spirit/Consciousness/Zen, it is our deep and trusting connection to this mystery that brings us great inner strength (and humility).

As the proverb above says, we are both made of earth AND the stars. What does that mean to you? What does it mean to be made of the stars? The beauty of tantra is that it embraces both aspects of being human and blends them together to create the whole beings that we are meant to be.

For some of us, we get lost in the day-to-day movements of life — jobs, relationships, kids, politics, fears, hopes, etc. All of these things exist in the physical three-dimensional world in which we live. They are very real. They hold incredible opportunities for joy, growth, pain, and a myriad of other incredible experiences.

But we are more than that.

Somehow, we are also mystery, infinity, everything, everyone, nothingness, all-powerful, and all-knowing. This reality isn’t really possible to understand with our brain because our brain belongs to the physical world. And our language best describes things that happen in this world. Everything that happens in the “spirit” world cannot be described adequately in our language. We have words like “AWEsome,” “INCREDible,” “AMAZing.” All of these words simply mean that we cannot describe how we feel. These are all spiritually-inspired experiences.

The magic of tantra is the ability to blend these two worlds — to live within our physical bodies in our specific spot on the space-time continuum and also to know that infinite energy and possibilities flow through us in every second.

This is when we truly become tantric.

This Connection Gives Us Inner Strength

“The only thing that is constant is change.”

– Heraclitus

When we feel this deep connection within us, we become strong regardless of our circumstances. The world around us (including those people we choose to love) is always changing. This is the human condition. We are naturally in a constant state of change, growth, and flux.

Tantric Intimacy teaches that kindness and respect are the foundation of all loving connection. But although we may be diligent in how we treat others, those we love may struggle with this based on their upbringings and past experiences. So how do we still open ourselves without risking being hurt?

We cultivate this deep, inner spiritual connection.

You can do this through any path that works for you. It could be through the works of the mystics of all faiths. (Mystics always seek a direct experience of God.) It could be through meditation and mindfulness. It could be through running or horse-back riding. Whatever it is that connects you with that deep, still place where you can feel the stillness and hear your own personal guidance.

When we cultivate this deep connection, we find something called “Divine Courage.” This courage comes from within and helps us have the faith to take steps in our life that are new, exciting, and possibly a little scary. But the beautiful thing is that the courage came from within. This means that if it doesn’t work out the way we planned, we will also have that strength on the other side of the experience. That strength will give us the meditative mind to observe what happened with understanding and compassion. The experience won’t break us (even if it hurts). We will feel the growth and expansiveness of what happened instead of focusing on the pain.

This Divine Courage is what takes us to incredible places on each step on our tantric journey.

Merging Becomes Effortless

“A healthy ego is no more afraid of sacred union than a raindrop is of merging with the ocean.”

– Jalaja Bonheim

When we have this deep connection within, we are able to walk in the world quite fearless. We know that we are not alone. We are strong, yet we are completely humble.

So, when we find someone that we love, whether it is a friend, child, or lover, it is easy to be open with them. It is easy to share who we truly are. We don’t need to put up façades or pretend that we are something that we are not. We let them see right into our souls. Because of course, we know that we are all made of the same stuff. Our soul is the same as theirs.

Of course, we also have discernment. Because we are already whole ourselves, we don’t feel the need to merge with EVERYONE. In fact, it isn’t really recommended. There are a lot of people who don’t actually want to merge in that way. They just want to be near you, but to stay separate emotionally. That is awesome. We too, will feel that way sometimes.

But there will also be occasions where someone appears in our life and true, beautiful connection is possible and desired. And then we can sit in personal strength, drop our guards, and let them in. We can experience the beautiful flow that is possible between humans.

True tantric connection.